living by the book

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word
This means speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid either using your word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

very hard to do. all the times i poke fun at my faults and missteps am i laughing inside, the people i feel ive a right to judge and categorize, the ones who did me some horrible wrong so horrible i cant really remember what it was, that guy you know him well guess what i heard about him . .

2. Don't take anything personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinion and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

can i really tell you about my reality, how it differs from yours? how i act, what i do and say, is a reflection of this? that if i speak to hurt to cause pain, is it not because i am in pain, i am hurting?

3. Don't make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness or drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

when was the last time i asked how are ya, and meant it, how are you, deep down, are your dreams still the same, are you still the same person, do you see the world in the same way, am i just holding onto this ancient idea of who are you, assuming that you haven't changed or worse assuming things that i never asked the question to, never looked for a proper answer from you. when was the last time i did this with myself?

4. Always do your best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

hardest for me. really really scared of doing my best. cause what if my best isnt all the things ive imagined it to be what if i amnt as smart, as good a daughter and friend, as ambitious, as fast a runner, as passionate, as devout, as willing to go the distance for my ideals, as i want to be?. what if my best still isnt good enough? but not doing my best leads to regret, self-judgement, and yes self-abuse.

argh. who wants to be so feckin self aware anyway? believe theres a football match on tv. its sunny for once better try and catch some sunshine. need to go to town to buy all those necessities like makeup. gotta get the saturday papers. got an invite to relax on a patio somewhere. engagement party to go to tonite.
maybe i'll just go buy this book. read the whole thing and see what happens.