bad bad bad

oh when
when will i stop beating my head against a brick wall
i dont mean to keep on repeating the same mistake over and over
and over
always think, hope, dream?
hey maybe this time it will be different
maybe he will be
maybe i will be

the same
?
scientifically, if reproduce the same situation multiple times, and receive the same result,
get to theorize. i dont like my theory thus far. dont want to accept it, follow it
to its logical conclusions.
i met another one. im talking to several.
love to ignore my gut feeling that it will all end badly
love to ignore the words of my da ringing in my ears,
'you will be alone'
yet cant ignore what he really meant, that we are all
no matter how many people we surround ourselves with,
alone. came into this world on our own, and that is how we shall depart.

'i just dont know what to do with myself' -white stripes
havent listened to raconteur album yet. would like to

listening to phish 'bouncing round the room . . .' its been ages
couldnt listen a while after they broke up
'if i could i would but i dont know how'

went to see my grandmother. very sad. she's not long for this world.
and she's ready to go to. fed up with the state of her life today.
cant cook, clean, go for walks, do all these things that are part and
parcel of her personality. to go to her house and not be fed with a hot meal?
but when the arthritis makes it so i cant type/write, my eyes dont let me see,
my ears can no longer be filled with music, my mind can no longer
recognize faces, places,
yeah i want to go/be gone. i dont even want to hang around if im paralyzed.
part of me is movement, its running, its dancing, its cycling, its walking,
and i dont want to be me without it

so here it is in black and white in case there's ever a question. pull the plug,
no extraordinary measures, let me go when its my time to
reject the way sometimes i feel like modern medicine intervenes, stops death

when it does, its only momentary, and the extra time added is often filled with
more pain, etc
granted, i think to have the knowledge of impending death, to realize that this may
be the last time you talk/hug/laugh/cry with somebody, is a strange gift. death bad
but to get to say goodbye properly?
how many people are wrecked with grief about the people they didnt get to tell, the things
they didnt get to say?