violence

so for a certain period in my life i had to deal with it or the threat of violence from my brother, walk on eggshells around him, i have a deformed toe-it was broken in one fight where he could have taken my life-as evidence and every time i look at it ahhh.
then tonight i experienced it again except at the hands of my much younger sister. who happens to be taller and much more experienced apparently, at dragging someone by their hair and delivering some body blows.

i always say i'd walk away from any man who raised a hand to me, claim pacifism by nature, and pride (oh the most deadly sin) myself on still reacting (or maybe its still having a reaction?) to violence on tv/film.
what do you do when its family?
and its not from my parents my siblings have learned this. i learned the much more cutting route to someone's person was through words, because thats how they did it, backhanded compliments, low voices that make you lean in to hear exactly how terrible you are, leave you drawn and quartered, left dwarf size.
because thats what we're good at, words we irish right?

if i wasn't in spain with a scary garda civil would i have called the cops? did i in ireland when my brother came at me? no. my baby brother how could i? so i dismissed the violence as an abberation, a result of that dangerous drug alcohol taking control.

we really did a good job at picking which drugs to be legal didn't we? feckin' nicotine more addictive than heroin.

so is there such a thing as a battered sister?
my head still hurts where she grabbed me by my hair. and i dont know how to fight, not anymore those taekwondo classes were a long time ago, and i know ive never hit anyone with my full strength, never thrown a proper punch. because i dont want to know, dont want to feel, experience what would happen if i did punch with everything i had, doesnt concur with my ideas about nonviolence and turning the other cheek blah blah
naive stupidity and im sure if it was for my life i was fighting i would.

so tommorrow will she remember what she did to her older sister? understand how i got these bruises? and why my hair/head is so tender?
knowing her nature i doubt she'll even apologise, still waiting on one from my brother.
does she understand how i'll never forget? never quite trust my own safety in her company? or anyone else's?

that a huge ravine has been created between us and regardless of how the years pass i will always be on guard in her presence?

and will do what i do now when my brother drinks, take careful steps to be away, or at least able to leave at the slightest flare of temper?

utimately im so sad. i'd higher hopes for our relationship. and now at some gut level that old reptilian brain i will never be quite at ease, with a flinch ready for any sudden movement. i dont understand where this comes from, i dont know of any of my extended family experiencing this and my father has never raised a hand to my mother.
a tightly clenched fist turned white with no action besides further tightening perhaps and besides the tongue can leave deeper scars in my opinion, ones the mind, heart, cant forget.

so tomorrow is the last day of our holiday together and what do i do?
i could make it miserable for everyone, i could forget, or at least pretend to. i could pretend she doesnt exist. i could bring it up repeatedly. as the older sister what do i do? there is no way she can claim blackout on this and if so she definitely needs to be reminded.
after tomorrow we will be miles apart, 3000 with the atlantic between us.

why was she so angry to begin with? i dunno. i woke up to her going off on me, a riff that had obviously been playing out in her head. i said, 'ok ____.' 'yes ____' im half asleep here, and sunburnt and a bit tipsy so whatever you say. which seemed to only fuel the fire because i wouldnt argue back. and then my hair in a tight bun was being dragged . . . .

is it wrong that im partially annoyed at myself that my fight back was so feeble? how could i? hit out at or hurt the baby i tended to, walked around in circles to put to sleep, sang to.

i divulge here because no one including my parents who just missed it had time for it. they didnt see the viciousness of the attack and as with my brother dismissed my claims.
my mind starts to worry about her anger, and why exactly she is so angry with me.

as i said we live an ocean apart and this vacation was a chance to be together and maybe im missing something-or wait isnt that what abused people do? try to find excuses, rationalise their loved one's behavior?
luckily i can walk away from my sister. but jesus i dont want to.
so im left, my lord, one more day and we all woulda been back in our respective houses with no drama.
left with no matter what justification, rationalisation, the simple fact; part of me will no longer trust and always be on edge. thought i had it bad with one sibling, now two.